I’m looking outside my window right now.  Over the mountains, the sun is setting.  It’s not a magnificent, calendar-perfect kind of sunset.  It’s very simple.  In other words, it’s nothing like the picture above.  The sky is really light blue and there’s one small, translucent cloud and a few others spots that are orange.  Very simple.  But, there is something about that sunset.  There is something about today.  Nothing has changed in the natural.  I still don’t have a job.  I still don’t know where God is leading me.  My bank account is still plummeting.  But today is different.  I can just feel it.  Something shifted.

I’m the kind of person that thrives when things make sense.  I like when there’s a right answer for everything.  I love when life is black and white, hot or cold, right or wrong.  I think that’s why I always loved math.  Besides writing, it was my favorite subject all through school.  In math, there are no hidden meanings you have to search for.  For every problem, there is only one right answer.  If you follow the right steps, you will get the right answer.  There’s no guessing.  There’s no gray area.

My life, throughout the last three months has not fit into that category.  Nothing about it has been black and white.  There’s been so much that I can’t explain.  So much that I still don’t understand.  For instance, why didn’t I get the job I waited two months for?  Everything about that job made sense.  When my boss called me into her office, out of nowhere, on the last day of work and introduced me to a lady who introduced me to the job, my heart felt totally right about it.  It wasn’t impulsive.  It wasn’t desperation.  The job didn’t make sense.  I didn’t qualify for it.  But, it called to something really deep in me.  It called out to who God’s gifted me to be.  I had total and complete peace about it.  And what’s more is that I knew all week long that that was the day God would open a door for me.  And He did.  And then, when the next week I found out that it’d be two months before the people could interview me for the job, I didn’t waver.  Though I second-guessed my qualifications many, many times, I always knew I could do it.  I knew that because God said I could do it, I would do it.  I had exactly enough finances to be ok for exactly the amount of time I had to wait for the interview.  But when the time came for them to contact me, they informed me that someone else had taken the position.

Nope, none of that even remotely makes sense to me.  The waiting process seemed very black and white to me.  I knew what I had to do and I did it.  Over those two months, God was constantly stretching me and refining me for, what I felt was, that position.

I didn’t get the job.  And no other doors opened.  And my money ran out.  And for three solid weeks, I couldn’t even hear God’s voice or sense His presence.  I had no idea what He was saying or what I was supposed to do.

Still, every night I asked Him to speak to me.  I read His Word.  I sought Him.  I wrote blog post after blog post from what He showed me, but I didn’t hear Him for myself.  I came to a place of real desperation and total willingness to do anything or go anywhere.  My heart really became grounded to my family and where I live during the last few years, but God broke down those walls.  I told Him I’d sell everything I had.  I’d move away from my family.  I’d go to Africa.  I’d go to Cambodia.  I’d go anywhere.  I’d do anything.  And I meant it.

The sky is barely blue now.  The mountains are dark.  That little orange cloud is gone.  My room is dark except for the light of my laptop.  But I know I am free from this season of waiting.

Last night, for the first time since January 9th, I really, truly felt His presence.  And when I woke up this morning, I knew today would be different.  I knew that painful season was over.

Do I know where I’m going?  Is my bank account stable again?  Are all of my problems solved?  No, no and no.  But I have His voice!  And that’s all I need to navigate my way out of this storm.

I’m ready, LORD.  Let’s do this.

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P.S.  I know I mentioned in my last post that I’d be doing a part II about Flattery.  I also mentioned that I would continue talking about leadership the rest of this week.  But I clearly have no idea what I’m talking about.  His agenda is always quite different than mine.  So, I guess the only promise I’m safe to make is that I’m going to try to keep up with His agenda.

I love you guys.

Tags: confusion, God, God's voice, storm, when things don't make sense

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